W E L C O M E: lonely

[ WARNING: THIS POST IS GOING TO GET PATHETIC ]

So there was this video post a friend had made that made me feel a little less alone.

I'm too big of a vagina to post a video like she did but I figured blogging is almost as good.

I've had such bad luck with friendships since I was little.

I dont want to say I dont have people out there who aren't my friends,

but I dont really have like a bestfriend.

Someone who is just genuinely there for you- no bullshit or drama.

For a long while now Ive felt like this lack of friendship is all my fault.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit I guess.

I've had a few people in my life who are long gone now, that I could label as a 'best friend'

The first one would be Tessa.

We met in 8th grade and she was the perfect social outcast.

We stayed friends for about 8 years then slowly drifted.

I loved her to death and we did everything together.

I think she was the first person who, showed me their flaws yet I still loved her.

Overtime her bitterness toward the world grew and we drifted apart.

It took a long time for me to stop missing her and also a part of me grew bitter as well.

Another person is Angelina.

We became bestfriends for a short period of time in High School.

She was a friend who I still believe till today, was genuine and cared about me as much as I cared for her. She had done something, that I morally did not agree with and I think this started the end of our friendship. We stay in contact but nothing more than a yearly hello on facebook.

Then there's Heather.

We met at CSN and developed a pretty close relationship.

If it wasnt for her, I wouldnt have met Nick and some of the other friends I have today.

It was my decision to end the friendship-

( for reasons more complicated than I can put into words here)

I could still persue a friendship with her but I dont think it'd be fair

when my heart isnt fully invested into it.

Lastly, there was my ex- Will.

He's the exboyfriend that I regret dating only because we could still be friends now.

We stayed friends even after a horrible break up.

It was only recently that we decided to end our friendship because his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with me. This was a huge disappointment.

HERE'S the NOW:

I have my husband and he's wonderful.

I would say he's my bestfriend.

But sometimes it gets lonely when we dont share much in common.

I have really strong beliefs about what friendship is.

What it means to be a true friend to someone.

I believe that being a good person in general is an important part of being good friend to others.

I think that how a person chooses to live their life affects their friendships.

As soon as I meet someone who says negative things about someone they consider a friend, I distance myself. If they can fake a smile, hang out with this person who they talk trash about, then what kind of friend are they going to be to me?

Sadly, I dont even have family to turn to.
My family and I don't get along.
It's been a long time since I've felt like I've connected with another person 100%
and that their intentions are kind-hearted.

I'm scared that after getting my feelings hurt, lied to and my trust broken-

I lost the energy to form new friendships.
I dont really go out much, Im not very adventurous or outgoing.
I mostly just stay home, edit pictures, do crafts and keep busy.

Wow, what a sad little post.

Pitty Party Hat anyone?

I've been used to being alone since I was little. I always played by myself and that was fine with me. Even in relationships I was kinda alone. I've had one relationship where we had alot in common, we did things together like photo dates or travelling but in the end he didnt end up being the right one for me.

I never thought the void of a good friend would ever make me feel like this. It never really fazed me until now that there's no one out there who I have a lot in common with to talk to.

I have friends and I have my husband but none of them have the same taste or likes that I do.

Lately, I've been wanting someone who can just give me their input or opinion about accent pillows or places that would be fun to shoot pictures at. Someone who wont be bored out of their minds and would be equally as excited about bohemian rugs or vintage furniture. I'm scared that all my failed friendships have left me socially retarded...