Friendships Part II

[ WARNING: THIS POST IS GOING TO GET PATHETIC ]

So there was this video post a friend had made that made me feel a little less alone.

I'm too big of a vagina to post a video like she did but I figured blogging is almost as good.

I've had such bad luck with friendships since I was little.

I dont want to say I dont have people out there who aren't my friends,

but I dont really have like a bestfriend.

Someone who is just genuinely there for you- no bullshit or drama.

For a long while now Ive felt like this lack of friendship is all my fault.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit I guess.

I've had a few people in my life who are long gone now, that I could label as a 'best friend'

The first one would be Tessa.

We met in 8th grade and she was the perfect social outcast.

We stayed friends for about 8 years then slowly drifted.

I loved her to death and we did everything together.

I think she was the first person who, showed me their flaws yet I still loved her.

Overtime her bitterness toward the world grew and we drifted apart.

It took a long time for me to stop missing her and also a part of me grew bitter as well.

Another person is Angelina.

We became bestfriends for a short period of time in High School.

She was a friend who I still believe till today, was genuine and cared about me as much as I cared for her. She had done something, that I morally did not agree with and I think this started the end of our friendship. We stay in contact but nothing more than a yearly hello on facebook.

Then there's Heather.

We met at CSN and developed a pretty close relationship.

If it wasnt for her, I wouldnt have met Nick and some of the other friends I have today.

It was my decision to end the friendship-

( for reasons more complicated than I can put into words here)

I could still persue a friendship with her but I dont think it'd be fair 

when my heart isnt fully invested into it.

Lastly, there was my ex- Will.

He's the exboyfriend that I regret dating only because we could still be friends now.

We stayed friends even after a horrible break up.

It was only recently that we decided to end our friendship because his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with me. This was a huge disappointment.

HERE'S the NOW:

I have my husband and he's wonderful.

I would say he's my bestfriend.

But sometimes it gets lonely when we dont share much in common.

I have really strong beliefs about what friendship is.

What it means to be a true friend to someone.

I believe that being a good person in general is an important part of being good friend to others.

I think that how a person chooses to live their life affects their friendships.

As soon as I meet someone who says negative things about someone they consider a friend, I distance myself. If they can fake a smile, hang out with this person who they talk trash about, then what kind of friend are they going to be to me?

Sadly, I dont even have family to turn to.
My family and I don't get along.
It's been a long time since I've felt like I've connected with another person 100%
and that their intentions are kind-hearted.

I'm scared that after getting my feelings hurt, lied to and my trust broken-

I lost the energy to form new friendships.
I dont really go out much, Im not very adventurous or outgoing.
I mostly just stay home, edit pictures, do crafts and keep busy.

Wow, what a sad little post.

Pitty Party Hat anyone?