This is going to be a theraputic post. So be warned, it's bipolar.
I've come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of anger inside. An anger that's waiting for just the right face to take it out on. Its probably a good thing that I stay away from people who mistreat me or give me a negative feeling, or they may have to tack on 'anger management problems' on top of the long list I'm sure has already started about me...
[ It's quite hillarious, that a girl like me- who hardly leaves the house, can count on one hand the number of friends she has, none of which are close friends- who finds social situations tiring- can cause so much gossip to stream out of selfriteous mouths into hungry ears ]
Surprisingly, this post is coming from a peaceful place. I've been doing well, keeping busy, back in school and seeing clearly ahead of me. For a while, the road called life has been foggy and the drive has been dangerous... as of late, the skies have cleared.
I know what I want out of life and I know that there are certain things I may not get... Ive come to terms with this.
I've also become more aware of how lucky I am, with a husband like
him by my side.
There are times where I feel like we don't belong together, we don't have enough in common- yes I'll admit to these thoughts...
But there's no man out there with enough patience to love me the way he does.
He understands me.
The real me. I've never been so brutally honest with anyone in my life.
He is the patience I lack, the innocence that I've lost and the only person I could ever apologize to full heartedly.
For the first time, I'm a whole person in a relationship with another person. We are not one half of a person, we do not make a whole. We are two people, with two hearts and two minds who happen to love eachother.
I don't feel the need to like the same things as him or participate in all the things that he does. I dont find the need to change myself or become less of me just to fit into his life, the way other people seem to when they get into a relationship. Instead, I embrace the things he does and he inturn, respects the things that I do. We support eachother.
That's all I need.
- Its become apparent to me that I have alot of forgiving to do. To people who probably feel as if they have no reason to be forgiven. Sometimes I think that writing letters that will never be sent would help but its no different than on paper or in my head.
So here is a promise to myself. The novel I've been trying to write (years in my mind/months on my computer) it will get finished. Those people will be in it and their sins, written down and immortalized. That will be my peace.
